America Bound

Welcome to todays blog; in which I will be focusing on US based news 

The White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel put himself in hot water this month by describing people as “fucking retarded”. A lot of people have attacked him for saying this, calling it the equivalent of a racial slur, only against the mentally challenged. Now there’s now doubt that this was a very very stupid thing to say. But it wasn’t as though it was in an interview, was in private conversation with people. Now I’m not saying that this excuses every single comment anybody has ever made in conversation, but a lot of people do use language like that when they are talking amongst friends. In conversations with people I often use what would be deemed “offensive” language, it doesn’t mean I hate the people, it just means they’re fun words to say. You can argue that “yeah but the connotations of those words mean that even if you aren’t saying them in an offensive way, they are still offensive” to which my response is “what the fuck are you doing in my kitchen? Besides, it is all intent. Unless I aim to offend or demoralise people, shush up. I know that I am not racist, I’m in support of equal rights so much that racism and homophobia genuinely confuses me”, and then I would probably make myself a sandwich.

One of his few defenders though has been Rush Limbaugh, who said (on his nationally broadcast radio show “Our political correct society is acting like some giant insult’s taken place by calling a bunch of people who are retards, retards”. Oh shut the fuck up you fat waste of space. For once, I agree with Sarah Palin, this was crude and disrespectful. This may be at odds with what I was saying earlier, but I shall try to explain it: when you are with friends in private, you can use whatever language you want to. But if you are in public, don’t call people retarded.

I don’t know if it’s just me, but I don’t use the word “retarded” to describe somebody who is mentally challenged, I use it to describe somebody who has done or said something that is fucking stupid. The word still does have some sort of stigma to it though, which over similar words do not have (the word “idiot” for example, actually means somebody with a mental age of less than two. So is technically more offensive than “retarded”).

One of the most fun (to say) synonyms for “retard” is the word “cretin”. Is just an amazing word to say, is impossible to say and not sound amazing. Is just one of those words. I’m not sure if it is just me but I think “special” is more offensive than “cretin”, it just sounds so sarcastic and mean. Is like telling a child who just came last in a race “you’re still a winner though”. “Mentally Challenged” however, I find that a lot more positive. Is more like “you’re overcoming challenges daily which others don’t have to face. Continue living in an awesome manner”.

Oh wait, this isn’t a blog about this is it? It’s about US news. My bad, my train of thought got derailed.

Now you would’ve thought that what I’ve just spent the past half a page describing would be the major talking point in US news, well you’d be wrong. Who cares about Rush Limbaugh being a fucking dumbass and offending people? There’s two much more important things; 1) Jay Leno. 2) The superbowl.

Now the superbowl is pretty explanatory; it’s a sporting even which is massive in the US. Now I’m not gonna say much about this, I barely know anything and I haven’t watched it yet, I will however say that the superbowl is proof that BMI is bullshit. Based on the BMI the majority of American Footballers are morbidly obese, yet can run at Olympic sprint speed. So if your BMI does say that you are overweight; who really gives a shit.

The Jay Leno thing I can really say nothing else about it which hasn’t been said already, but I should probably at least attempt to explain it. In 2009 Jay Leno left The Tonight Show to host The Jay Leno Show on the same network, Conan O Brien was picked to succeed him as host of The Tonight Show and stayed there for about four months. However due to bad ratings, NBC (the network that ran both shows) decided to move The Jay Leno Show to 11:30, and delay the start of The Tonight Show with Conan O’ Brien by 35 minutes. O’Brien was not pleased with this as he knew that the change would drastically effect his own viewership, as well as possibly damage the credibility of the show. So NBC decided to get rid of O’ Brien, and have Jay Leno back as host, giving him a full hour, and completely screwing over Conan. Pretty odd and complicated, and pretty fucking retarded as well.

That’s it, i’m bored now.

Bye

3 Things I Used To Think Would Kill Me When I Was Younger

1. My TV

This was not in a “dangerous radiation waves” kind of way. This was back in the age of VHS ((For those of you unaware of what VHS is, it’s like a cassette tape that played films)for those of you unaware of what cassette tapes are; google it, I’m not your f*&king teacher)). When I was younger i went through a major depressing stage. That wasn’t helped when I let my mind wander (such as when I was trying to sleep). As such I used to just put a video on and get to sleep listening to that. Now when it got to the end of the tape it would rewind and eject itself (sounds sexual, really isn’t). 10 minutes after that my TV would turn itself off, very loudly. Being the extremely paranoid child that I was; I worried that the noise would startle me and give me a heart attack.

2. Tall buildings and balconies

Actually I still worry about this. I hate being on balconies as I worry that it will collapse. For some reason the idea of the ceiling above me collapsing doesn’t seem to enter my mind that often. But the floor below me; constantly on a state of near collapse (in my mind anyway)

3. Toast

Specifically; defrosting bread in a toaster. I always used to be worried that by defrosting it it would cause bits of melted ice to drip into the electronic parts of the toaster, and start a hench fire. Yeah, I was a very stupid child.

4 ways you could end up dying in your own home today :D

just a quick one for now. working on about 5 other ones at the moment. so should probably finish those off. ah well

1. Dishwashers.

Very simple this, but remarkably, a lot of people have died from dishwashers. Very easy to see how; you’re loading a dishwasher, you slip, you get a knife in your internal organs. Leaving your relatives with a dead body, an anecdote they could tell for years, and very dirty cutlery. Actually thinking about it, there’s a lot of ways you can fall over and break your neck at home; down the stairs, over a cat, tying your shoelaces whilst your hoping on the roof

2. BURN IT! BURN IT TO THE F’ING GROUND

In case the title didn’t give it away; fire. Despite it being obviously retarded; people still smoke in bed. For some reason the idea of mixing “open flame” “sleep” and “flammable materials” doesn’t seem to bother them.

3. Toilet seats.

I’m really uncertain as to how, but thousands of people get injured by there toilet every year. Also suprising, a lot of people choke to death on ballpoint pen lids. I suppose thats why a lot of them have the hole in them. Personally i’d just poison the pen lid, that would stop people sucking on them and would stop them choking. Problem solved. Of course, for the initial 6 month period; a lot of people are gonna die. So maybe this isn’t the best idea in the world.

4. Jeremy Kyle

Just 5 minutes of this horrid excuse for humanity; and your soul will die. It’s like a dementors kiss.

Holy fuck i’m a nerd

The 5 Songs For January

Ok, from now on I gonna do more music related blogs. I just like making music lists. Is fun. As such, the 5 songs i have been listening to most over the past month are as follows:

1. Nothing Suits Me Like A Suit

I blame Teresa for this entirely

2. Dental Care – Owl City

They recently hit number 1 with Fireflies. But this song is much funnier and kookier

3. Britney Spears – If You Seek Amy

I blame leanne entirely for this one. And the next one actually. But i’m more ashamed by this song

4. 30 Seconds To Mars – Stranger In A Strange Land

This song is awesome. Yeah, no vocals for like a minute and a half but is worth the wait

5. Cobra Starship – Nice Guys Finish Last

Sadly, not a Green Day cover, still freaking awesome though

woo (i ran out of original titles)

I came to a sudden realisation this week; I like Gok Wan. At first he just seems like the host of a show which is one of those horrible make-over shows “eat less, do this, do that” etc type of thing. However during the shows something is quite apparent; he is actually genuinely trying to help these people. He doesn’t want fame, or money (although that certainly would help), he just wants to make people love themselves. And even if you don’t like the type of shows he does, you have to admire him for that.

Particularly in his new series which started last week on channel 4 How To Look Good Naked which this series is focusing on those with visable disabilities. There has only been one show I can think of which has attempted to mix sexiness with disability in a respectable way (Britain’s Missing Top Model). That show was both heart-warming and sad in different ways. It was nice to see people overcoming adversity and trying to be positive about there disabilities, but this was let down by the fact that it was still a modelling based TV show. And as such there had to be conflict, some of which was (let’s face it) caused by the judges. It’s very hard to promote an all-round positive message in a modelling based TV show. Gok Wan himself tried with Miss Naked Beauty. I tried to watch this and couldn’t get over how much of a shithead one of the judges was. Telling people one person to stop being so individual and conform more (which went against the very idea of the show). I think at one point Gok nearly Gokked him round the head.

I think I kind of got distracted along the way, but my main point is this; I, as a (mainly) heterosexual male, think Gok Wan is lovely.

Holocaust denial and random bollocks

Apparently today was Holocaust Memorial Day. Oddly enough i don’t think we should have a holocaust memorial day. The idea of a day to remember genocide is fine, but I don’t think one just for the Holocaust is right, we need a sort of general genocide rememberence day. Its hard for us to not be aware of the holocaust really, unless you’re an idiot or 5.

There are still some people of course who deny that the holocaust ever happened. I’d find it a lot easier to believe these people if they didn’t say such racist things. It’s not human rights activists who suddenly say “maybe we should look into whether this actually happened” it’s always members of the klan or teachers who teach there students that the jews “invented the holocaust to gain sympathy” and are “evil”, “sadistic” and “child killers”. The aforementioned teacher got sacked for teaching those things (yay life) but then attempted to sue saying that his sacking went against his right of free speech (boo).

Now i’m not saying that all holocaust deniers are racist; they could also be idiots. Or to put it another way (as the writer Kevin Myles wrote):

“It is not anti-Semitic to make a fool of yourself in public about a historical fact”

Why is it always the Jews? They’ve been persecuted by practically everybody for a thousand years. It’s almost as though it’s fashionable. Quite a few Christians still hold every Jew alive responsible for the death of Christ. Not only is this idea utterly illogical it’s also…. fuck it, it’s just stupid and illogical. Anti-semitic Christians tend to forget that Christ himself was Jewish. So if all Jewish people ever alive are in hell then that means that Christ is in hell. Which means that Christianity is a religion based on the teachings of a hellbound individual. Which in itself is rather satanic when you think about it. On that note i leave you, but not before todays Supreme Vision Of LOLitude

And they all smelt like hammers

Please note: this is not real, it’s a story i wrote for college

 

Ever get the feeling that your life is turning into some really pathetic ITV drama? I was walking home after looking after some peoples kids for them (say what you like about the Madeline case, it’s been good for business), must have been about eleven, half 11 at night. Anyway, I got to the end of the high street and was walking past that pub I can never remember the name of (the one that used to be that restaurant “Pride Of Pakistan” but then got closed down by the health authorities after they found a rats nest in the kitchen). I just got past it and I heard what has to be the most unholy noise I have ever heard in my life (and I’ve heard a lot), thinking it might be some kind of cat being trodden on (I swear, you can’t walk 5 minutes without coming across one of those fuckers) I turned round. Instead of a cat however, it was this middle aged woman crying. Now normally I love middle aged women, they are my saviours, but since this one was crying the chances of her dispensing advice were quite low. I thought she must have been incredibly drunk the way she was just staggering about (one thing I’ve learnt in life; drunk people are arseholes) so I just stood there while she came towards me (you know what it’s like with some people; you just have to stand still long enough and they leave you alone. If you make the first move they chase). She got about a foot away from me and then started shouting “help me, for the love of god help”. Now, short of advising her to change to a less runny mascara I really had nothing. So just stood there. Then this guy came out of the pub, very angry drunk, shouting at everything that was near him (I think at one point he swore at the door handle). He saw this woman next to me and then just started screaming at me “Oi, bitch, leave her alone”. So there I was with 2 choices; get the shit kicked out of me, or be a horrible human being. In the end I did what I always do in times like this; phoned Clara. She was no use though, I forgot it was Friday, she was so drunk I’m surprised she could even find her phone. In a 5 minute conversation I understand a total of 6 words: “lego, blow, bastard, penis, knife, Yemen”. On the plus side, during the course of this conversation the guy shouted out how much he needed a piss so walked round to the other side of the pub. I assume he fell over on a pool of his own piss and cracked his head open as he didn’t return (I hope that’s what happened anyway). On the downside that meant I had to help this (clearly mentally unstable drunk) woman to the hospital. She puked on my shoes. Twice.

And this is todays funny picture, or as they will henceforth be known: Supreme Visions of LOLitude

this is a comic

Meh and mehs

There are a lot of things I am unsure about; the theory of flight, how batteries are made, and why there are so many songs about rainbows. I’m also unsure when it became illegal to be male. Ok it’s not actually against the law, but at times it certainly does seem it. I say this in light of British Airways new policy of not allowing men to sit near children, in case they’re paedophiles (the men, not the children). Now I’m not saying that stopping paedophiles is a stupid idea, but this is. Not all men are paedophiles, in fact the majority of us aren’t. Not only that but I imagine that people being molested on planes isn’t a major problem. I say “imagine” as I’m entirely sure how many times this has happened (actually that’s a lie, I do; once) but I imagine it would be difficult especially as there are usually other people on planes, who would be able to see if people are doing unsavoury things (such as molesting children or watching the American remake of Dragonball).

What this seems to be forgetting is that women can also be paedophiles, and there have been at least 2 newspaper reports of such in the past month alone. Paedophiles come in all different shapes and sizes, they are not all middle aged men. And actually children are more likely to be sexually assaulted by somebody they know, so if you actually want to stop it you should stop children knowing anybody. As soon as children are born we should take them away and lock them in a room on their own. And keep them there until they are 18, never seeing anybody, having food passed through the door. Yes it means the next generation will end up with mental health issues and problems with socialising; but will stop paedophilia. And what’s wrong with humiliation and wrecking everybody’s lives if it’s for the greater good? That seems to be what’s fashionable these days; do whatever you can to stop paedophilia, even if it is retarded. I think we are one step away from a government plan where all men have to stay inside a bubble for there entire existence; punishing everybody for the misdeeds of a few.

Bottom line is; the world is full of bastards, and always will be. No matter what you do you will never be able to stop sexual assaults on children, perverts will always find a way to do it. Once we realise we can’t stop it we can perhaps focus on rehabilitation facilities to help abused children live a normal life; breaking the abuse circle and severely reducing the amount. Or you can just continue being paranoid idiots and suspect everybody. All the politicians, all the scientists, have not managed to come up with a sentence that sums up the situation as well as it has been talked about in a song:

Thou shall not think that any male over the age of 30 who plays with a child that is not there own is a paedophile; some people are just nice!

Haitan Earthquake

As I type this it is 8:18 am Wednesday 13^th January. I’m watching BBC morning news and they’re mentioning the earthquake in Haiti, the initial tremors lasted a minute, but there have been constant aftershocks since, still happening now. It’s just really weird seeing this being played between pieces about snow, seems to detract away from the sheer horror of it all. I watched the news reports about 9/11, I read the papers about the Indonesian Floods and I know all about the attacks on the Togo national team, yet no singular piece of news has ever affected me on an emotional level as much as this one. I can’t quite put my finger on it, I think it’s because of the being reported between snow and tanning beds. It just seems to put it all in a weird kind of perspective. Here’s us complaining about snow, and there are people on the planet whose entire world got turned upside down in the space of a minute. Do we really have any right to complain about such trivial things? Well, yeah we do, cuz what’s trivial to others is important to us, but maybe for one day, just one, we put our troubles behind us and simply count our blessings in silence. No national minute silence, just millions of personal ones, paying respect to the departed in our own way, thinking of what we are grateful for.

It is now 8:43 and there is no more news on it, just some shaky video footage. And it’s this footage which is one of the reasons this is such a hard hitting story. It really brings home the humanity of the tragedy, we see people who survived it and film footage of the earthquake itself. There’s no shouting though from the survivors, just softly spoken words spoken by a man shaking, genuinely scared for his life, not angry, not annoyed, just afraid and helpless. Perhaps the most shocking piece of footage is taken on a phone by these two girls, where one of them utters one of the most harrowing words ever spoken on the face of this planet:

The World Is Coming To An End

3 Things That Are Supposed To Be A Force For Good But Are Actually Evil

1. Jeremy Kyle

The most obvious one first. This guy is just horrible. All he does is bring skanky people onto the show, and shout at them. It’s not The Jeremy Kyle show, it’s The Shouty Bastard Show, or [insert funny show title here]. He doesn’t help people, he just humiliates and shouts at them. And if somebody dares to speak to him, he just shouts them down, on television. And whilst watching it you are aware he knows he’s on television, as he says it pretty much all the time. “how dare you say this, ON TELEVISION” “how can you lie like this “ON TELEVISION” is he doing that to remind himself that people watch this show, or is that just how he speaks in life? “how dare you offer me roast chicken IN THE LOUNGE”. And the fact he calls every female on the show “love” or “sweetheart” just makes me want to throw a shoe at his smug face. It’s not just on television, he does it in print as well, he has an article for one of those magazines that all blend together in your mind (take a break etc).

Watching him always unsettles me stomach, I think it’s the eyes. He has the eyes of somebody who knows what it feels like to eat a cats’ entrails. But it’s not just how he does what he does, it’s also what he does; gets people to argue on his show. It’s been described by a judge as “human bear baiting” and personally I think that’s giving the show too much class. It’s actually more like “the visual display of decaying humanity” but that sounds a bit too much like the title of a terrible piece of art in the Tate Modern. He does seem to forget that lie detectors aren’t reliable, and aren’t allowed to be used as evidence in court for that very reason. Either he’s forgotten or he doesn’t know, in which case when he finds out we just might see a recreation of that scene from Scanners

The question of “who the hell does this guy think he is?” also refuse to go away. It’s hard to think where he gets off criticising people for being alcoholics when his first marriage was ended after he stole money from his wife’s bank account, yeah, he’s a gambling addict.

2.To Catch A Predator

For those of you unaware of this; it’s a show where people pose as children online and chat up paedophiles so the police can arrest them (after showing there face on national tv). Bear in mind that originally they didn’t have law enforcement officials on the show to arrest them, they just humiliated the person on tv then sent him off into the world to anger rape children. This show isn’t hard-hitting television, it’s entrapment, of the stupid variety. I’m not sure if this is just me, but the paedophiles who are responding to sexual chat by 15 year olds and then going to there house for a pre-agreed sex session, they’re not the ones we need to worry about. It’s the rapey-kind that are the problems. If you found a way to catch them, you’d be fine with Hansen, but as it is, you’re a dumbass who only gets away with it because people’s immediate emotional response to paedophilia stops them thinking rationally (I am not advocating paedophilia, I’m attacking people who burn down paediatricians because they can’t tell the difference between the two words, they just see the word “paed” and make judgements).

look at the smug little bastard. LOOK AT HIM

3. The Daily Mail

Jan Moir, supporting Nazis, THAT emo article. (http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2009/oct/16/stephen-gately-jan-moir) It’s very hard to see how somebody cannot find The Daily Mail extremely irritating. It’s a bit like a mad uncle who’s just lost his job and his been given drugs; annoyed and extremely paranoid. It is a very inclusive newspaper though, guaranteed to appeal to everyone who is stupid and racist. Quite a few people have been aware of the papers awfulness for years, but it didn’t reach major hatred until Jan Moirs (excuse me while vomit in rage) article on the death of Steven Gately. I actually did learn a lot from this though (for one thing, I knew they were racist, but I didn’t know the paper was also homophobic). Their lies are not just small lies either, they are big lies. Caused by either malice or just plain stupidity, which could easily be resolved by somebody just checking the facts whilst writing.

It’s not surprising really when you look at who they have for columnists.

Richard Littlejohn

Ah, Littlejohn, not only a nickname for someone with a tiny penis, also the name of an idiot. If he’s not suggesting the police use flamethrowers on homosexuals, or describing the recently deceased as “disgusting drug-addled street whores who’s death is no loss” he’s saying that “death by strangulation” is an occupational hazard for prostitutes. Oh, and being very racist and homophobic. Even by The Daily Mail’s standards this guy’s a cock. Whilst the word was shocked into mourning by the Rwandan genocide in 1994 (look it up, it’s horrendous) Littlejohn was saying “does anybody give a monkeys? If the Mbongu tribe wants to wipe out the Mbingu tripe then that is a matter for them”. Now not only do you have the issue of a man mocking the names of tribes, he’s also saying we shouldn’t care about genocide, and having a very bad choice of words by using the word “monkeys”. He also said that there are no homosexuals in Newcastle “not live ones anyway”. Best case scenario is that people are so hounded by homophobic attacks that they are forced to leave, that’s THE BEST CASE SCENARIO. Worst is that people are going round hunting gays and hanging them from the lamppost or burning down their houses.

He has a weird thing about homosexuals, not only saying they “recruit outside school gates” (making the age old fallacy of saying all gays are peadophiles) but saying that anybody who wants equality for gay people to be “obsessed” with homosexuality. He really is however the last person who can claim anybody else is obsessed with homosexuality, considering the fact that in 2004 he made 104 references to gays in only 90-something columns ((Gay 42, Lesbians 16, Homosexuals 15, Bisexual 8 “homophobia”(including the quotation marks, used to express his doubt that such a thing actually exists) 2”homophobic” (using same principle as before)6 cottaging 5, Gay Sex In Public Toilets 4, and many more I can’t be bothered to type but are available at Johann Hari’s website, originally researched by Marinda Hyde). Johann Hari is pretty much Littlejohn’s nemesis, making him look ridiculous at every turn. Referencing the above information a few years afterwards, he mentioned “I think about gay sex less than he does, and I’m gay”. Littlejohns reaction to Hari saying he mentions homosexuality to much: “he probably finds me sexually attractive”. I wonder what it’s like to be Littlejohn, forever scared that the gays will get me, because they all find me so amazingly attractive. He does know he’s ugly as hell doesn’t he? Looks like a salamander that’s been turned into a human.

ok, a salamander who has just come in his pants