“2011 has been like one big end-of-season finale; a climactic episode in which multiple story arcs come to a head. It’s used up far too much news for one year. How can 2012 possibly compete?” well the answer to that turned out to be; stupidity. An almost endless cycle of stupidity. In the yearbook photo of life 2012 will be the one with a terrible mullet, spinach stuck in his teeth, and crying.
Making the segue between the almost apocalyptic 2011 and the downright idiotic 2012 was the Costa Concordia, which sank near Tuscany at the start of the year. It was an event which would only be remembered as a massive tragedy if it wasn’t for two things;
- The captain; Captain Schettino, who was responsible for the crash. He claims he wasn’t to blame but the general consensus is that if you turn off the navigation system alarms, change the ships route to sail closer to land, sit and eat dinner before making the order to begin evacuating passengers, get in a lifeboat and sail away before anyone finds out; it is kind of your fault. This did lead to an excellent phone call however, when one of the coast guards told the captain to “get the fuck back on board”
- Some news outlets referring to it as “a real life Titanic”. Perhaps not understanding that the real life Titanic, WAS the Titanic. If a US president got assassinated would they refer to it as like “a real life JFK”?
“Oh my god! she’s like a real life Queen Elizabeth II”
US politician Mitt Romney was criticized after it was discovered that he put his pet dog on his car roof and drove for hours. His defence was basically; my dog likes fresh air. Good thing he didn’t win the election otherwise he might have celebrated by dropping a piano on someone because they like music.
Still in US politics; Todd Akin (Republican representative for Missouri) made a bid for “stupidest comment of all time” when he said the following in regards to pregnancies from rape:
“First of all, from what I understand from doctors, that’s really rare. If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down”
So whenever somebody gets raped; they secretly wanted it, otherwise it wouldn’t have happened. That is GENUINELY what he thinks. The weirdest part of that sentence is the “doctors” part. Which doctors is he going to and what are they showing him?
Stupid comments about rape seemed to be the general theme for US politicians this year. Tom Smith (Republican representative for Pennsylvania) compared rape pregnancies to pregnancies out of wedlock (a thought which has so many things wrong with it it’s amazing somebody would be stupid enough to say it).
Roger Rivard (Republican; Wisconsin) claimed that “Some women rape easily”. He claims he meant “some women get pregnant and then lie and say they were raped”. Yet to me it sounds more like “it’s very easy to rape some women; so try and find them”. I don’t really believe his side of the story; because if he truly meant what he says he meant; there are a thousand different ways to phrase it, and none would be as stupid.
Now since it was election year there were a lot of very stupid comments made; my favourite is people criticising Obama for encouraging people to go to college (it’s apparently snobbish). Although the advert saying “don’t vote for Romney; he speaks French” comes a close second.
A member of the Catholic church must have felt that “stupid comments about rape” were the Church’s domain and wrote a newsletter where he came up with a theory of the people who are really to blame for the sexual abuse taking place in churches; the children. They’re all seducing the priests apparently. So to summarise; kids are too sexy to not get abused.
It wasn’t just politicians and priests who made stupid comments about it; a 28 year old man who raped a woman at knifepoint (after forcing her to an abandoned warehouse) claimed he did it in self defence. Try, just try to see the logic in that. Cuz I got nothing.
Whilst US politicians went about eating kittens and making ill-informed comments about rape, the main political scandal in England was a bit more subdued; an MP called a policeman a “Pleb” (or didn’t; depending who you ask). I stopped being able to pay attention to this story after the first week; it all seemed so childish and stupid. Plus; there’s so many better words than “pleb” to insult someone with. I suppose pastygate would also count; when the government decided that a pasty counted as a luxury item.
Jim; please stop fixing it.
Whilst we didn’t have a political scandal to match the US, we did have a scandal the likes of which US news media can only dream of; the Jimmy Savile scandal. A scandal which took up most of the spaces for the top twitter trends (if only because it seemed like everybody had their own way of spelling “Savile”). Nobody came out of this looking good; the BBC looked incompetent, the press looked like vultures, and Philip Schofield looked a prat when he decided to “accidentally” show a list of suspected paedophiles to a camera on live tv. I say “accidentally” because he has been working in TV for a very very long time, as such he surely knows how to hand over objects so the other side of them is not visible. So either he doesn’t know basic presenting skills (so should be sacked), or he purposely performed an action which slandered innocent people (in which case he should be prosecuted). It seemed like everybody had an opinion on this; a senior MP said it was disgusting that Savile was allowed access to patients at a hospital, but has stayed silent since it’s emerged that she was one of the people who ran the hospital at the time.
The weirdest reactions to this have been from the people who have targeted his families homes, spray painting the walls and damaging the doors. These people are aware that Savile no longer lives with his family aren’t they? It’s just mindless violence, lashing out against innocent people. Even if Savile was the most evil, vile paedophile to ever walk the face of the earth; his family should not have to shoulder the burden of his actions. They were his, and his alone.
Cecilia Gimenez achieved worldwide fame after attempting to restore a painting of Jesus in a church in Spain.
Now I not gonna call her stupid; she did something with the best of intentions. I am going to criticize the church though; her “restoration” brought in so many people to the church that they started charging people to see it. They then got very annoyed when she asked them to donate the money to charity. As did other people; saying she should not receive any money and should instead be sued for damages and arrested. Let’s get it straight; she didn’t purposely destroy it and then demand money, she tried to improve it and only asked for money once the church started charging people. And she wasn’t asking for the money to go to her; she wanted it to all go to charity; and the church refused her request. Which isn’t very Christian is it?
Samantha Brick is a writer for The Daily Mail, and she wrote one of the most self centered, ridiculous articles of the year; in which she complained that the rest of the planet hates her for no reason than her beauty. She claims that she didn’t get promotions at work because her female bosses were intimidated by her beauty, and many of her friends have screamed at her in jealousy. The thought that maybe, just maybe, it’s something to do with her personality or work ethic doesn’t seem to enter her head. The reactions ranged from pure vitriol to outright pity. The worst part of it was the fact that these reactions just convinced her she was right. Instead of convincing her to actually think before speaking. But maybe she was right; maybe she is the most beautifully stunning person on the planet
orrrrr; maybe not. Yeah, definitely not. I’ve never seen someone combine the “i’m scared” with “i’ll eat your babies” look.
Kony Ice Cream
Not much to say here as I’ve already covered the important bits
- A video was made of Joseph Kony saying he employs child soldiers in Uganda and should be stopped. It didn’t mention how he should be stopped.
- The video because world famous
- It was then discovered that Kony actually hadn’t been in Uganda for over 8 years.
- People found out that almost all of the money donated to the people who made the video spent it on advertising instead of, you know, actually doing something useful.
Oddly enough this last little tidbit didn’t stop people taking the video seriously. People kept on taking it seriously until the creator of the video masturbated in public. The lesson here is; you can lie, deceive millions of people and exploit people for your own ends; but you can’t wank.
A lion was spotted in Essex on 26th August, sparking widespread fear and panic. After 31 officers and £3,600 worth of helicopters were sent out to deal with the situation they discovered;
it was just a cat.
If you don’t see why that’s silly; you are more mature than me.
It’s not the end of the world as we know it
A small selection of people believed the world would end this year; and no amount of proof and scientific evidence would prove them wrong. Nobody was sure how it would end; just that it would. Which was the best indication that they were all wrong. My best ones were the ones who (even the day before the world was going to end) were saying “a giant asteroid is going to hit the planet tomorrow”, as if scientists aren’t watching out for this type of thing. Plus, if it was going to crash into the planet; I think we’d see it.
this; did not happen
This story stops becoming laughable and starts becoming quite tragic once you realize that some people committed suicide because they didn’t want to die in the apocalypse; which is the equivalent of quitting your job before you’re sacked then finding out you were actually going to get a raise.
note; distinct lack of apocalypse
It had been a while since the last fuel crisis so Cabinet Minister Francis Maude decided it would be a good idea to start one by saying there’s going to be a strike by the transport union so people should start storing lots of fuel in jerrycans. After going on google to find out what a jerrycan was people decided it would be a good idea to panic-buy fuel. Because the strike was obviously going to last for years and years and people would end up needing to kill for petrol so they could go on with their important deeds (such as going to debenhams to buy curtains). I’ve never understood people who panic buy fuel. They queue for hours and hours “in case a fuel crisis occurs” (meanwhile creating the crisis) to fill up buckets, then drive home and put it all in their garage and go “I’m safe”. You’re not safe; you’ve got buckets of petrol in your garage.
“they said i was crazy when i stored flammable material so recklessly; well who’s crazy now??? oh, still me”
So that was 2012; here’s hoping 2013 has a lot less stupidity.